I Remember Exactly When

This month has been a time of feeling as if there is this hand perpetually closing around my throat. Just enough to be unwell, but not enough to feel like I'm dying. While actually following the instructions of staying home and reducing contact with others as much as possible, I found my self feeling alone down into my bones. It's not a surprise that calls and video chats aren't enough to make up for the missing hugs and smiles from my loved ones. I've even hit a point where being around strangers causes me to have a fight or flight response. I fly.

 

To help fight this ever sinking feeling, I tried to hit the videos to make me feel happy. It's a tall order since I have at my disposal many choices. The trick to it is to find the right one. I found the answer in reliving the big reveals of pop cultural juggernauts. Not to beat a topic to the ground, but Endgame of course is a huge one. See earlier posts. This time it was lacking and it didn't take long to find the way to make it a little more enjoyable. I was missing community, I found it in reaction videos.

 

 I will assemble anything he wants.

 

The wonder of this part of the movie is the feeling I got when it happened. Never mind the subsequent feelings and how they have evolved in the short time since then (again, see earlier posts). My attempt to recapture it is to feel the genuine reactions of those living it. Kind of like how parents watch their children when they show them something they love for the first time. Ice cream, Disneyland, or Santa. 

For all that I complain that crowds have so much potential to ruin my enjoyment of something, I also should give them credit for enhancing my experience when the circumstances are right. Don't talk over the moment, but cheer your heart out when the hero appears just in time.

How can you see what's happening?

There is also a happy time to relive the good parts of something you followed for so long. Unless you're looking for validation, I don't recommend watching the reaction videos of the shit moments that made you hate that which you once enjoyed. That crowd reaction can underline what already felt like a betrayal. Take it from me who tried it right before writing this. 

Seriously, don't do it. The choking feeling came back pretty quickly. Don't feed the schadenfreude. Go be well instead.