One Ring To Make Fun Of

Before he was my husband, my boyfriend made a pseudo tradition to watch the entire extended edition of the Lord of the Rings trilogy during Christmas time. I sort of liked this idea and would join him. Now that I have accepted his two rings, for some reason, I have fully embraced this now tradition and have transformed it to become more amusing than anything else.

When I first saw the movies in theaters, it was very easy to take the "gay hobbit" and "damn, Legolas is pretty" perspectives. It was compounded by two friends that were louder than me and we never looked back. However, as the count of times I've consumed these movies gets higher, I grew wiser and realized gay jokes lose their giggle factor after a while, Legolas is pretty like a woman, and holy crap, Karl Urban is dead sexy.

My point is, if this is going to be a yearly event where I annoy my children when I brake out the DVDs (or implant entertainment chips depending on when I finally bring life into this world) I need to step up my game and channel my inner Mike Nelson (or Joel Hodgson if you have issues with Mike.)

And so began my attempts to make my husband genuinely laugh instead of roll his eyes. I even started to pick up on the actual plot instead of waiting for the ring to burn in the fires of Middle Earth hell (spoiler alert!). I asked nerd questions and started to see the amazing layers delicately depicted.

But here's something I'm wondering. With The Hobbit being released next December and that being two parts, are we to add that to the yearly viewing? If so, when will I have time to wrap presents and resent Christmas? And in what order do we watch? What if it's like Phantom Menace and we have to pretend it never happened? I highly doubt it since we have the same person directing and George Lucas does not have his sweaty hands on it. But a girl can fear, can't she? And how am I supposed to cheer for Martin Freeman when I know he becomes sort of a douche later? Lord knows I never cheered on Darth Yippee, I'll Strangle My Wife So No One Else Can Hurt Her Skywalker.

Yeah, I guess I'll just have to wait it out. Before I know it, it'll be time for idiots to stand in line for a two dollar toaster again and I'll be proclaiming Frodo and Sam had the gayest bromance ever. That's gay in a pejorative sense, not homosexual. That makes it better, right?

Gold Saturday

I love going through the Sunday ads and finding deals. I'm usually very excited to go through the Black Friday ads. It first happened last year and was very noticeable this year that my excitement has deteriorated. For starters, I am trying to live as the economy reflects. Secondly, the Internet has shown previews of all the ads days before they arrive so I don't have the rush of anticipation anymore. Finally, all the extreme couponing shows and blogs make getting anything less than 95% off seem like a bummer.

Still, I got caught up in the frenzy and wanted to bolt out and get my shopping done early. I'm happy to report that I successfully fought that desire and instead stayed away from the stores where people were robbed at gun point and pepper sprayed because they were in the way of someone who wanted a cheap Xbox. 

Here's my advice for you guys. Go through the ads, see what's worth getting, check online for similar products and if you find them and can get free shipping, get it. I found deals at Best Buy, I checked Amazon, they had the price very close to if not equal, I got them, the end. I'm mainly pissed that this is what Adam Carolla says about your time being valuable, and I didn't click through his website to Amazon before making my purchase to support the show. I suck as a loyal listener.

But back to Black Friday. As it turns out there was only one thing I wanted to buy in all the ads I saw that I couldn't get online and I was smart and calm enough to realize that the sale was good until Saturday, and there was a coupon to use for 20% instead of the Black Friday 30%. After all that is said and done, I went Saturday, avoided the lines and got an extra errand done on Saturday instead and the only difference in savings for waiting a day was $2.50. Yep, the time saved is definitely worth the money I spent.

So what did I learn? I have to use this brain of mine to get great deals, but sometimes it's worth it to let them go, get a good deal, and save three hours of my life. Try it some time.

Celebrity Sighting # Nerdtastic

My friends and co-workers have been hearing me go on and on about the book signing I wanted to go to. I asked for a day off from work which ended up being a half day due to wussiness on my part. I also hate San Francisco and have never ventured out there by myself. However, with the courage of a back pack full of supplies meant to ward off panic attacks, a jacket meant to prepare me for unusual California weather, and my Droid which will tell me where to go and how to get there, I went out to meet my husband and together we would meet Chris Hardwick.

Give this girl some credit for managing to be okay traveling to the big city even though my body started to have some serious negative reactions on the train. Yes, unfamiliar territory and not driving a car makes me a very uncomfortable girl. But this isn't like the time I bailed out of my honeymoon. This was only an hour on a train and that small period where I go underwater is something people do five times a week without incident, so I told myself I'd be okay after my ears popped.

So in the big city and only mildy afraid of being mugged, I met my husband at his work. It was nice to see he wasn't faking his fancy job description. Hey, as long as he can pay the bills, he can tell me any story he wants. Yes, honey, you type magical words that make computers do your bidding. Good for you. 

I had to kill some time so I walked the less than a mile looking very much like a tourist by planning to kick anyone that came within two feet of my personal space. The Apple Store was a wonderful bright beacon of awesome until I saw the line in the front. The event was to start in thirty minutes. Holy crap, did I am I gonna miss it because of the line and the fire code will only let so many of us in? I asked a girl in the line and she told me the line was for the new iPhone. I smiled at her even though my exact thoughts were "yeah, fuck that" and went inside. 

There was a little theater upstairs and I saw only half of the seats were full and breathed a sigh of relief. At the same time though, I thought screw you people. Everyone should be basking in this amazing event starting so soon, but don't take my seat. I plopped my stuff in a seat after asking permission from a store employee. He wanted to come back for the show on his break. I offered to save a seat for him, but he nobly said those should be for bigger fans. That's a good man right there.

As I went to slide to my seats when I asked a question to a guy on the end who had the book. (As a side note I called the store in advanced and they said the book would not be sold there. I read the Nerdist blog post on the event and it said I could buy the book there. Or at least it was heavily implied. I called the store back and they said if available, it would be sold by the author. Not wanting to take the chance I went to Barnes and Noble and hunted for it like a mad woman with her dog in the car waiting for her. That was the scenario. Yeah, the book was somewhere. That was the helpful information I got. Four copies that hadn't been unpacked in the store somewhere. They told me to come back later that afternoon. I actually said I couldn't I was meeting the author in San Francisco. That was code for find the FUCKING BOOK. They did not get the hint but showed an apologetic look. Grrrrrr.)

So this guy was freaking awesome and I decided to sit with him instead. Turns out he came all the way from Sacramento and even does an online webcomic. I don't know how to feel around people who have so much talent and aren't afraid to put themselves out there. I have the same jealousy issues with my sister in law. So talented and has no fear. I had a panic attack at a midnight screening of The Simpsons Movie because I showed up in costume. DON'T JUDGE ME BUT AT THE SAME TIME THINK I'M AWESOME. Yeah, it doesn't add up.

Speaking of costumes, anyone who listens to the Nerdist Podcast should know Chris Hardwick has asked for people to show up to his gigs in costume. He even made it a requirement at the taping of the Nerdist TV pilot. Well, in my bag of safety I included my Halloween costume. I debated over it, but realized I only live once and went to the bathroom and came out looking slightly different, but a little proud that with a casual glance, I just looked like a hipster, and not the weakest link from Captain Planet. And as the pseudo hipster that I am, I wasn't the character, but a specific person doing a parody of the character. I'd explain, but I don't want to sound even more like a hipster than I already do. Put it to you this way. Some fans of Channel Awesome might know who I was, but there's no real way to distinguish me from the original character, but mainly I chose it as a way to amuse my husband. The end.

So there I was and I got to listen to Chris Hardwick get interviewed by Veronica Belmont. He read the intro to his book and took questions. I debated on whether I wanted to ask anything and for the stupidest reason ever, I decided no other girl has asked one, I have to represent. He looked at me the whole time and is was terrifying/awesome. The event wrapped up and we stood in line to meet the author. I was pissed that I didn't have his book for him to sign, but he was nice enough to tell me where to send the book so he could. 

I should also mention that there were people wandering around trying to get a glimpse of the guy people where standing in line for. This blonde being not subtle was hovering and I told her "It's Chris Hardwick." She responded with "Yeah, I don't know who that is" and walked away. THEN STOP HOVERING AND GO AWAY, BITCH. I wouldn't normally react that way, but I hate people who think it's cool to not be star struck. At least the man did more than you did so shut up.

Back to the meeting. My costume was so effective, he had no clue who I was until I pointed it out. Damn, I always want to make a positive impression on my entertainment idols without coming off as creepy. I even asked him if he got the e-mail inviting him to my wedding. I hope I didn't come off as a dick because he seemed really apologetic that he has no recollection of it though I had a sense he was mentally looking for a weapon he could use if the crazy chick goes off. I got a picture with him, an autograph and all was right with the world. 

And to the blonde bitch I mentioned before, I don't know who Veronica Belmont was, and I felt bad about it, but I spoke with her, told her hot tech girls make things harder for girls like me and asked for a picture with her. That's how you do it. 

I was ready to go home except for a small snag. I was hungry. One thing I'll admit about San Francisco is even in a mall, there were some amazing choices for food. And I mean food that I've been denied in my mostly wonderful but mostly bland suburban home. Since I didn't want to make myself sick on the way home, I chose a gyro. It was good, but it was missing something only a small restaurant nestled in my home town could provide. Fortunately, I made a pilgrimage to that wonderful gyro place and quieted that craving.

After a crappy train ride home, a thirty minute drive, and one dog happy to see me return, I was able to close the book on my Nerdist adventure. Now I'm looking forward to reading The Nerdist Way. Hurry up Amazon.

Media Consumers Anonymous

It happened again. I just wanted to rent a movie. But it's like a flood gate or a bag of potato chips. Once you get through one, you're adrenaline is up and you're in the mood to watch as many as possible. This is why Netflix will destroy me. After a very modest two movie rental of Bridesmaids and Source Code, we returned to Blockbuster and rented Tropic Thunder, Bad Lieutenant Port of Call New Orleans, Interview With the Vampire, 28 Weeks Later, and the Swedish version of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. 

I have to say about Bridesmaids that I was concerned the hype would overshadow the laughs. I also have a problem with uncomfortable misunderstandings, which means I never should have enjoyed a sitcom produced in the last three decades, but sadly what happened is I felt Bridesmaids was a little too close to home with my own life. I have relationships with the financially well off perfectionist that must have things her way before others can proceed. I felt for Annie's being left behind while others move on with grown up life. It was over the top, yes, but I felt the stinger in this movie. Also, how the hell can all these women fly first class? Just a bit of an irritation on my part. Good laughs.

When I sleepily awoke on Sunday to get through four of the remaining five on our second trip(damn you one day rentals). Interview With the Vampire was better than I remember. Though I was very young and freaking out over the nudity then. Then after seeing the scene with the theater of vampires disguised as humans playing vampires, my husband casually commented it was just like Tropic Thunder's "I'm the dude playin' the dude, disguised as another dude."

We moved onto Bad Lieutenant and it hit me again. Hmmm, New Orleans, like the beginning of Interview With the Vampire. Wait, producing heroin, just like Tropic Thunder. That's pretty strange. Well, there's no way that two foreign....wait is that Rose Byrne in 28 Weeks Later? Man, she's pretty. And cooler when she's not being a haughty bitch.

We knew if we dug deep enough, we'd find links to Source Code and Dragon Tattoo, but then it isn't just a casual observation that's kind of cool. Then it's actively trying to figure it out and that's a little sad. It's sort of like the weekend I watched Thank You For Smoking and 27 Dresses in the same weekend and Melora Hardin is in both. I also saw Enchanted, but the James Marsden connection isn't a big surprise. Just a bonus.

So now that I'm free of my rental obligations and back on my regular schedule, I need a nap. It was ten bucks for a night of rentals and I know that's a month of Netflix (Or is it? What is up with the new price structure? I can't find any news coverage of it.), but I know I won't be doing this again far a while. Especially with the holidays coming up. Maybe I'll just go back to the library. A crappy selecting will remind me it's better to use my time folding laundry.

Clooooone!

Futurama
C-SPAN9 Debate
www.comedycentral.com
Comedy Central Funny TV Shows Roast of Charlie Sheen

Does anyone else think of this episode of Futurama when they watch Mitt Romney and Rick Perry in the debates? This runs parallel to my theory that the Simpsons can predict the future. Now that Furturama is doing it, my head is spinning. The part when Fry brings up not being vaccinated is an especially nice touch to the theory.

Summer Adventures 2011

And clearly I'm just cleaning my calendar of notes out and posting to the internets today so here is my final adventure count.

Went to Half Moon Bay for clam chowder in a bread bowl, but originally said I would go to Monterey. Saw Doug Benson which I posted earlier. While going to the Monterey Bay Aquarium I stopped by for three bowls of chowder. It turns out you can go to a Monterey and have bad chowder. You just have to not go to a bar and grill. Avoid those and go to a fish restaurant. It's all overpriced so just suck it up. Fish Hopper is excellent and it turns out you can get it to go, so I recommend it. Also I hate big crowds at aquariums because little rude kids piss me off and their crappy parents make it worse because as their kids piss me off, they have their backs turned taking pictures and blocking my views. Got denied my free hat at an A's game on free hat day and they wouldn't give me one since I already entered the park. I know I'm cheap but if you think about it, so are they.

It seems like a lot but even after all this, I didn't make it camping. Seems like a shame to deny my dog an adventure, but he came to Half Moon Bay with us and also he's a dog, so I don't feel that bad. I'm way too paranoid of him crapping in the tent so we'll just have to see what happens next year. 

Here's to a wonderful summer and I hope it goes well again next year. Am looking forward to turning off the A/C.

Plate Hunt 2011

The beginning and end of summer feels unclear since I've finished school. And using the calendar feels just wrong. But I feel now is probably a good time to declare my summer over even though the temperature will now spike to over a hundred because it heard my declaration. But here is my final tally of what I did not get to see. Here's to next year.

Alabama

Delaware

Georgia

Illinois

Maryland

Mississippi

New Hampshire

North Dakota

Ohio

Rhode Island

South Carolina

South Dakota

Vermont

West Virginia

Wisconsin

Though I did see Illinois recently, I do not count it.

Please sir....at the Buffet

I recently asked my husband, when the hell did I become a Disney Princess? We had come back from Las Vegas and I was in a foul mood becuase I forgot how much Vegas likes to suck the dollar bills from your person. I don't just mean gambling because I love Reno and Tahoe. This is fifty dollars for lunch expensiveness.

Yes, I was on vacation and deserved to let go, but that's so hard to do when you have to drop about a hundred bucks a pop to do anything associated with Vegas. I look at the kids in their early twenties wondering how the hell they can afford this. I know how I can, and I don't like that I am, but how did you get a better room than me? 

I know, first world problems, with my room with the big bath tub and view of the topless pool. (I'm not kidding. But it costs fifty just to sit down there and actually see something. Though I think it was free if you were a size two and come with an entourage of slutty friends.) You had to wait a half hour before it opened to get a seat at the pool. And I come back home and my boss asks me why I go to the next state to do what I can here?

There is no good way to take a vacation anymore. I want it all. Giant rooms with fireplaces, tubs that can fit six people, room service, no waits at the buffet, and all for free. Sadly, the feeling came with me back to home. I want to make six figures from my own business, and be a full time stay at home mom with a nanny and maid to back me up. I want my fullest potential realized while creating my own charity helping educational and animal causes. Or to be more on par with how I've been feeling like a spoiled brat lately, despite my wonderful home, great husband, good financial security in an uncertain economy, an adorable dog, and a supportive circle of family and friends......I want mooooooooore.

Like my title suggests, I would like to claim I'm more Oliver Twist with my desire for more, however, I don't have a shortage of food, so I fall into the Magical Kingdom group. But at least they got to take for granted being royalty. I think I'm going to break out my tiara for a few hours. (Shut up, it was my Mom's idea.)

Celebrity Sighting # Ummm.....What?

As part of my summer adventures (yes, I am doing my license plate game, but will spare you the play by play this year) I saw Doug Benson perform at his 4:20 show. He was late which was not a huge shock, but I felt strange bringing in my name tag a la his Doug Loves Movies Podcast. Alas, I was not alone and I bonded with a couple at the next table with their very creative artwork. Did not get picked to play the Leonard Matlin game, but enjoyed avoiding having a panic attack if I were called on stage. It wasn't exactly my crowd of people as I am the biggest square in the world and didn't even know what 4:20 meant until a few years ago. (Still not sure of its origins.) Even stoned as hell, he was damn funny and I really enjoyed myself. 

On a side note, if you ever get the chance to see Ngaio Bealum, do it. He was freaking funny and surprised me with the nerd humor that went over my head(Side note: Took me twenty minutes online to find his name on the internet). And while I'm plugging, check out Doug Loves Movies. I have nothing to gain from this but spreading laughs to the world. They are other people working for the laughs, but I helped.

Don't Hate, Love (Or Just Let It Go)

After days of serious anger issues, I'm slowly calming myself and trying to enjoy what life has to offer. That being said, during my angry time, I managed to catch the trailer for Adam Sandler's new movie Jack and Jill. My instinct is to blame Katie Holmes for this, but there is no way she is responsible, she just wants to work. Then again, she shouldn't just get a pass because there is Adam Sandler and Al Pacino to direct so much blame.

After reading a few very angry and borderline sadistic comments, I realized why spew so much hate at this? I'm just going to not see this movie and move on with my life. The anger might come back when this makes fifty million dollars in it's first week, but once again, I'll harness my meditation practices.

However, this movie does look horrible and in order to reach my middle ground, I am sharing this video. Thank you to it's creator. Don't stop flexing your idea muscles.

(Stolen lovingly from Nerdist)

Put A Little Love in Your Step

Once again, I find myself in the Adam Carolla camp and finding myself becoming severely pissed and obsessed with something that probably doesn't matter. He refers to it as hyper vigilance and he is correct.

Have you been in an intersection or a parking lot somewhere and you have pedestrians sauntering across your path and not picking up the pace? Okay, it doesn’t seem to be much, but what the hell ever happened to the courtesy jog? You see a car waiting for you as you cross the street, you move a little faster and then they can move onto their merry way. I do this all the time and I get the thank you smiles from the drivers.

I was in the car with my mom and this happened and I asked her why people look directly at you and don't move faster. She told me because we're in the air conditioned car and they're in the heat, they can move how they want. My response was then if it's so damn hot, move your ass! Let’s bring back the courtesy jog people! Or just move a little faster.

You may be asking why the thoughts on non-entertainment issues and the answer is it's freaking hot and entertainment sucks. Also, I'm working on the Steig Larsson novels. Slowly, but surely, I will get through these. It's not as funny as his brother Gary's work, but still good so far.

Ode to My Father

I'm staring to get very irritated that You Tube is not letting embed the videos that I want to share. But in any case, this is a small clip from one of the classic movies from my childhood to honor my papa in honor of Father's Day (Click here). Which by the way is a fake holiday, but a celebration for my Dad is not a fake cause.

Babies R Everywhere

I've always been sort of a late bloomer. This on top of being the youngest added sort of a stunted childhood and early adulthood. In fact of the ones that went, my siblings finished college before I finished high school. Eventually it became easy to swallow that they, with their five or more year head start on life, would be difficult to compete with so I tried to catch up by being the "good" kid. They would never say it out loud, but I'm my parent's favorite. (If you take into consideration how much grief I gave them on average, I think I win.) But when the rest had grown out of the angst ridden teenage years and started to bring the babies to visit, I knew I no perfect report cards could compare. Ask my oldest niece (or more appropriately, anyone else around with a decent memory) and you'll find out that I wasn't particularly nice to her. I hated not being the youngest and cutest. (Confession: I don't think I was never the cutest, but still.) I told my mom that she's have to wait about thirteen years, then we'd have something in common. 

Strangely it took about ten and after years of therapy I discovered that in addition to losing attention, I didn't like that she brought back the yelling version of discipline in our house. When you're the good kid, you just internalize your dissatisfaction and do what it takes to make your parents proud of you. The older ones didn't and I was having flashbacks of that horrible look from my parents that someone was in trouble. Now that I've shared a brief history of what seems like irrelevant information, allow me to continue.

Little children running around made sense with my by many years older siblings. But now I'm at the age where little ones running around by my peers is the norm. Five years earlier, I would cast it off as whatever, I have college to finish. Then college was over and my friends ventured off into a new world. When one of my greatest friends got married, came back from her honeymoon and told me she was pregnant, that was a happy moment filled with a huge slap upside my head of discovery. It isn't just the, for lack of nicer way of putting it, skanks from high school getting knocked up. This is my wonderful girlfriend adding a new generation of nerds to the world. She wanted kids and after finishing school, getting married and building a home, went for it. 

I still had some goals to get to her level of readiness, so that was just happy times for her adventure. I got to meet her son, saw him get baptized and it was so great to see the first of my adult friends take this step. Then she called me up and told me she was pregnant again. I heard the news and was incredibly excited for her. This was amazing. She told me the details and I was mesmerized by what she was doing. Again, she was pinpointing what she wanted and was making it her reality.

When I got off the phone, I started to cry. And what made it worse is that I could see it played out in an episode of Friends. (Let's go to the clip. Ignore the pettiness of "Thunder" and being the center of attention and you have my life at that moment. But she was having her second child and I was still not married yet. Also, I would never ruin another person's special night. It has come up before recently, but for crap's sake, I'm not seventeen anymore.)

This was about two years ago. Since then I've married my long time boyfriend and bought a home and I still have days where I feel empty. I've been lucky that I haven't been hounded by family as to when I'm having kids. My parents already have five grand kids and my mother-in-law said she's in no hurry. (Whether or not that's true has yet to be seen.) I'm not ready and honestly, I don't know if I am capable of dealing with the pain. There. I said it.

Well, this would be easy to deal with, but my best friend is pregnant. I always assumed she's have kids before me. She's more nurturing and likes kids more than I do. (I know I like kids that I have a connection to. Family and friends have great kids most of the time. Other kids need to stay away from me.) I'm helping her other best friend throw a baby shower for her and I'm excited and happy for her. But again, the lingering sadness for me is not far behind.

It's natural that when we get together, the conversation would be about pregnancy and little ones. I'm not part of this club, so I have little to contribute. I need to find others who are childless, quick. Then I started down the list of good childless friends. They will understand my life, right? 

Door Number One: Married seven years no kids yet.

"No, I want kids, but I'm waiting until my husband figures out a few career choices. I can't wait to have kids."

Door Number Two: Together twelve years getting married in June.

"Oh yeah, once we're married, we'll have kids really soon."

Door Number Three: Married three years & pursuing Master's Degree

"Yeah, we'll probably get started after I finish up this degree."

That's it. And Facebook is cursing me with the ones that aren't married and happily announcing the news of their bundles of joy. I was in Babies R Us yesterday and nearly had a  panic attack. My brain went into dark places and started to curse the white trash looking people who weren't smart enough to find the giant sign that said "Registry" who will soon be having little morons running around.

Calm Happy Place. And who would have though a self described "Entertainment Junkie" would have a movie moment from When Harry Met Sally that can help describe this pain?

Sally: And Joe and I used to talk about it, and we'd say we were so lucky we have this wonderful relationship, we can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in. We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. And then one day I was taking Alice's little girl for the afternoon because I'd promised to take her to the circus, and we were in the cab playing "I Spy" - I spy a mailbox, I spy a lamp-post - and she looked out the window and she saw this man and this woman with these two little kids. And the man had one of the little kids on his shoulders, and she said, "I spy a family." And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying. And I went home, and I said, "The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."
Harry: And the kitchen floor?
Sally: [sadly] Not once. It's this very cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile.

It isn't that I want kids now. It isn't our time. Sadly, biology is designed that my time is running out. But I'm not sad because I want kids. In my moments of pettiness, I want to be living this fly off to Rome, sex on the kitchen floor life. And don't even drink so can't abuse my body like there isn't a life inside depending on it. No, this sadness is familiar to the one I had watching my siblings getting degrees while I still had to pass third year Spanish. It's compounded by the fact that those around me didn't have a five year head start. I'm being left behind and I hate it.

Now that I'm coming up on my ten year high school reunion, I don't even get the pleasure of seeing how the nasty bitches of my youth have gain fifty pounds and are miserable with their place in life. I can just look in the mirror for that. I guess I can make some Romy and Michelle happy to tell me "They don't give a flying fuck what I think." Man, I shouldn't have to pay sixty bucks for that. Fortunately, I'll have back up with my wonderful mother of two friend. And I know I won't be excited/devastated by the news of a third pregnancy. She says two is enough. Whew.

Swans and Dancers and Lesbians, oh my!

It is very rare that I save a movie and don't blow the whole story by reading the whole thing on the internet. I decided that Black Swan, a psychological thriller with a geeod pedigree of people attached was worth seeing on my own. I knew enough to tell my very Catholic mother to not see it, but I went in as clean as one can just seeing the trailers and knowing it won awards.

So in putting in this effort, here is my offical anylsis: Why does Natalie Portman win an Oscar and Elizabeth Berkeley gets to start her career from scratch? Is it because it's artistic and plays with your mind? Or is it ballet is much classier? Let me point this much out. The mind games that the hallucinations create in Black Swan are about on par with the mind games the terrible acting and story does in Showgirls. Lesbian sex and a not so great payoff make these movies about even on my mind. Okay to be fair, I have not seen Showgirls in its entirety because I thought that perhaps that wasn't worth my time. However, I got fooled by Black Swan's accolades. Shame on you movie critics. I trusted you and you betrayed me. And if I wanted to watch a creepy masturbation scene, I have Mullholand Drive, thank you very much.

One of these movie is not like the other. But pretty close.  

(And just a note to the LGBT community, I know there are no lesbians in this movie so much as sexually confused ladies that just go for whatever is striking their fancy, but much like these movies, I'm using "lesbian" as a buzzword to get the male attention. Did it work?)

Trying to Winning

A few days ago I was reading the headlines of the reviews of Charlie Sheen's one man show and was not even a little bit shocked that they were very bad. I'm slowly moving away from my caring about this whole thing, but I'm trying to imagine the type of people who would buy tickets to this show. I'm guessing the archetype of frat boy (and I say archetype because I've lived with and am related to some wonderful frat boys who know better than to waste their money on this crap). Does anyone think beyond trashing others and saying his catchphrase of sorts that this would be any good?

Many people can individually craft all aspects of a good piece of entertainment, but I get the feeling Charlie Sheen didn't anticipate that it takes some serious thought and creativity to punch out a quality show. Or at least some work. The fact that he says he need to retool shows me he does have some sanity left, because if he was running on pure egotism, he would just say "screw the haters, I'm awesome". Instead he's at least saying, if I'm going to avoid being a flash in the pan, I need to get better. I know fifteen minutes of fame lasts a lot longer than it used to, but I think he knows that Goddesses don't come free. (Personally, I think he's not a fifteen minutes of fame type. Tiger's blood has fifteen minutes. Charlie Sheen needs to have a Robert Downey, Jr. brand of reinvention. Someone get him to a Burger King.)

Good luck to you. I'm glad you're out of the well paying TV crap hole of Two and a Half Men, but don't milk Major League. Find yourself a new area to be funny. We know you're capable. Just do it.

Media Heartburn

Okay, I got married. That resulted in one week away from work. One week of podcasts that accumulated. That shouldn't be so bad. Just off the top of my head, a week of Adam Carolla, maybe two of Fitzdog and Nerdist, a This American Life, Doug Loves Movies, Parent Xperiment, Savage Love, and The Film Vault. So two months later, I'm looking at almost fifty things to listen to. And this stuff is averaging over an hour a piece. How can I complain about so much free content? To be honest, it isn't exactly complaining, but now it's like TV and movies and books and magazines. A stack is waiting for me and I must consume it all.

There is so much at my disposal and so much is quality entertainment. I need to jump on it because it's time sensitive, but of course now I'm using this opportunity to start a book club. Calm down, it's just a basic way of telling my self, you will start reading. But should I have this problem of what should be fun is now a task in order to better myself? You will relax and enjoy yourself, damn it!

So what is the proper way to consume entertainment? This junkie has been on a diet for so long since I cut out cable, but I'm still caught up on my favorite TV shows. Granted, I hear about so many cable shows that I'm missing, I just have to tune it out. I'm loving the summer since it's a chance to get some movies I missed in the theater (Actually, it's all about the pause button. That keeps me out of the theater). Magazine subscriptions have expired (except Entertainment Weekly, of course) so no accumulation here. I keep telling myself if I just had the time, I could so a great sweep and get everything done in a weekend. Sadly, I say that about cleaning the house and you don't want to see the dog hair that's stuck to the couch. 

I'll figure it out. I'll find a balance of enjoying my stuff and spring cleaning. While I just have a tiny 4G Nano, I suppose I can go against my better judgment, fill it with podcasts and listen while I clean the upstairs. I know, using my iPod to listen to podcasts? (I fill mine with music and listen to podcasts on my work computer.) I think I can make this crazy idea work. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to listen to This Week with Larry Miller. Or in my case, Two Months Ago With Larry Miller.

Poor James Marsden

No not the guy who played the best friend on half of the TGIF line up. And don't mix him up for the guy that looks like that guy that was in Serial Mom. And don't mix the second guy up with this other guy from Fanboys.

Okay, for those keeping score, I don't pity Jason Marsden whom I had a crush on when he played Rich on Step by Step or a character with the name "Jason Marsden" on Boy Meets World. And he is not to be confused with Justin Whalin. I just found out these two both played the same character in General Hospital, so it's not just me. On IMDB, they both have on their respective pages "Known for..." and there is a picture of just James Franco. (Makes sense considering he no longer sleeps and is involved with every other thing in Hollywood.) And to clear up everything else, Justin Whalin played Jimmy Olsen in Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman on TV as opposed to Sam Huntington (from Fanboys) who played the same character in Superman Returns with the object of my pity...James Marsden.

Extra points if you can identify each one. (Hint: Not one is Will Wheaton.)

In fact, Superman Returns is an example of my point, but I should back up a few steps. I get random cravings for a mushy, predictable romantic movie. I watched Enchanted and 27 Dresses back to back to eliminate it last time. I didn't plan it that way but it was a James Marsden-a-thon. With Valentine's Day coming up, I'm considering watching The Notebook. Unlike every other woman from ages seventeen to sixty-three who saw this on a loop when it came out six years ago, I decided this was a good movie to put in the vault for an occasion that I think my boyfriend* deserved to be jumped on immediately following the credits. (* Note: When the decision was made, he was my boyfriend. He has since been promoted to husband.)

Since I have zero patience, I still went online to see what the big deal was. Once again, James Marsden doesn't have a chance. I'm not entirely sure, because I don't know his character, but I'm sensing a theme. He's the nice guy that doesn't get the girl. Apparently he can't compete with Ryan Gosling. Or Patrick Dempsy. Or Hugh Jackman. Not even Brandon Routh.

Yes, this is an oversimplification based on a few movies, but it made me sad for the guy. You have to watch Gossip to get that sad taste out of your mouth. Or, for the nicer people, watch (Spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't watched the trailer!) 27 Dresses. He apparently can kick Ed Burns's ass romantically.

We shouldn't worry for him though. He's my generation's Bill Pullman and he landed on his feet, right? What? Ohhhh...... Okay. I'm going to go watch Independence Day. He gets the girl then, right? Wait, never mind. Spaceballs it is.

Umm... Awesome

Death Star Laser Operator for me. Makes sense, but d'oh.


Via: Online Schools

Generational Ewww

A little while ago I was having dinner at my parent's house. My siblings and nieces joined us for a nice dinner and conversation. I don't remember how it the topic came up but all of a sudden, my sister and fourteen year old niece were talking about Jared Leto. My niece loves him from 30 Seconds to Mars and has a teen girl crush on him. Well, my sister also had a crush on him back when he was know as Jordan Catalano fifteen years ago. Is that a gross moment? I've known generations of women to have crushes on the same actor at the same time, but this one is a little weird and creepy. Besides, look at the transition the man has made. My sister had the crush on the Tiger Beat version and my niece has crush on the goth version.

Classic bad boy?

Or Goth bad boy?

 

 

 

Also, my sister at roughly sixteen with a crush on a twenty-four year old playing a seventeen year old is passable. My niece crushing on the almost forty year old officially puts this in eww category. I remember my sister also having a crush on Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt back then as well, but I think that became mandatory in the mid 1990's.

But whatever Leto you choose, it's not the best guy to bring home to dad. And he's unattainable to I'm so glad I never have to experience that uncomfortable family dinner.