Choices...Take Them Away!

May has been a tough month for me. I was anticipating the graduations and confirmations for months in advance so watching family members transition from one part of life to another was an expected punch to my brain. What I didn't expect was to come home to my husband with a concerned, but strangely happy look on his face with the news that he was to be laid off in two weeks. The smile was from all the perks they were throwing at him before they gave him the boot. "No paycheck, but whatever you can carry out of your office that isn't bolted down is yours." 

For two weeks I went through a nervous period of preparing myself with being the sole breadwinner. To soothe my control freak, my husband began his job search and through a series of calls, interviews, and negotiations, was hired on with a new company making very much more money and receiving better benefits. My sigh of relief very quickly turned into a downward spiral of cries from depression. What I knew since the day I met him was smacking me in the face eleven years later. This man has more potential, intelligence, and will accomplish more than I could ever hope. That's why I locked him down early while he was an insecure mess of a college freshman.

Of course this is good news for us and our familial unit. But as a hard nosed, "get the hell away from me I can do it myself" girl, this was a huge blow to my ego. My mother-in-law without knowing how much this has damaged my self esteem keeps telling me that it's okay, and he can take care of us when it's time to.....It occurred to me she hasn't blatantly stated let the man take care of you, and make some babies, but the words don't have to come out of her mouth for the message to sting my uterus.

So baby issues, job issues, I've taken a few blows from work it make me realize that I'm horribly unhappy there, but I've been testing myself to see what the breaking point is to leave a well paying job five minutes from home. Seeing other people's successes are enough to make me cry and throw tantrums like a five year old. Hearing my sister ask me what's wrong and relieved that it's only about work crushes me even more and teaches me that my first instinct to never share my petty problems with people who have children (and therefore real problems) was correct.

This has become a bit heavy for an entertainment blog so what is my point in sharing all this? Well, back in September I received a "gift" of a newspaper subscription from my boss. I quote the word gift because my boss didn't tell me when the paper started to come to the office that is was for me. When he did, he told me that he got it from my other bosses son's fund raiser, he already got the paper so, you know, Merry Christmas. Then December 28th rolled around and I realized he wasn't kidding. That was my Christmas present. It is a great present in general, but it was a steak served to me on a trash can. I keep getting letters telling me my subscription is about to end and I couldn't be happier because during my busy period I'm letting them stack up and can't get to them. I hate being wasteful and I will read all the articles I can. 

This weekend I left the office with a two week's worth of pile in the corner. I was pissed that I forgot them at the office and couldn't use the weekend to catch up. So I walk in and the pile is gone. It occurred to me that the cleaning service people saw them next to the recycling bin and not in their usual pile next to my filing cabinet so they gathered them up and took them away. Before I get judged that the maid stile my precious not appreciated present from my diamond encrusted cubicle, everyone shut up, this is my life.

I was pissed for about five seconds because my project was taken from me. Then I was happily relieved. Something thrown on me that I just let accumulate like the very reason I avoid a Netflix subscription was taken from my possession, against my choice, and it is glorious. If you were to read the blog Get Rich Slowly, this would be referred to as The Tyranny Of Stuff. But for me it was the Tyranny of Choice. I was happy to have this tiny burden lifted from me. It now makes me sad to have such a small thing bring me such great comfort. 

Sort of a sad commentary on my life as of late. But I will find courage to face my well paid husband and show him that if he wants to take care of me, he can go fuck himself. I'm just kidding, my husband is very supportive my bringing home the Bacos.