USA Today has put out an article The 8 Awaited Movies for 2008. They were even kind enough to add 8 more for the sake of, I don't know, getting to 16. I believe the correct substitution for “awaited” should be "They were going to happen sooner or later, and not because of the now ended writer's strike. Hey, these were in the works before the strike, so thank God it's over otherwise who the hell knows when American Gladiator: The American Tour: The Movie would be coming soon to a theater near you?"
Anyways, the line "Can the familiar feel fresh again?" follows the title. They're right. When was the last time we saw something that doesn't have source material from my childhood or earlier years? We've settled for sequel, prequel, threequel (I curse this word), reboot, reimagining, based on book, based on TV series, based on toy, or based on Disney theme ride. It's even better when they're a combo. Like the Dukes of Hazzard prequel. (Of course by better, I mean how can you possibly improve on a Johnny Knoxsville, Seann William Scott, and Jessica Simpson movie based off a TV show from the '80s? Damn lack of sarcasm font.)
Now I'm not going to lie, I will be seeing most these movies. I'm even excited about most of them, but let's look at the list and why I'm excited. All of this is familiar territory. Is it brand recognition that makes these easier to swallow? Yes. Mystery solved. But I've also had my heart broken by movies as of late. The Dewey Cox Story was the last time I made it to the movie theater. Funny, but not worth it. Sorry.
Let's look at what we have to look forward to and classify accordingly:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (fourth in series, had a TV show):
I can't deny that when I heard that famous music start, I got excited. And not in a typically happy way. It was more like the kind where you're a kid and your dad just let you know where you're going on vacation this summer. You're not going at that moment, but the anticipation of fun times coming soon is making you get chills.
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (based on the books, one movie already out, was a BBC mini-series):
Yeah, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, I had to fill in the cursing left out by the PG rating. It's basically Diet Lord of the Rings. Ironically with more sugar though. So a sequel to this movie would be Diet Lord of the Rings with Lime? I'll pass. Thanks.
Sex and the City: The Movie (based on TV show which was based on the book):
I've seen all four corners of Samantha. I'm not sure what kind of havoc seeing her on a larger screen will do to my therapy bills. Okay, Kim Cattrall nudity aside, I will see this. I'm a fan of Miranda and Steve. Well, Miranda and Steve around season four when she lightened up and he, well, he was always awesome.
Momma Mia (based on see below):
In the spirit of the musical, here's a tune for you. (To the tune of that kid's Skeleton song. Hmm, Kid Skeleton. Potential Guitar Hero III band name, perhaps?)
Oh, the movie is based off the musical.
The musical is based off the ABBA songs.
The songs were written in the disco era.
So let's go hang ourselves if we see this one.
The Dark Knight (based off comics, a sequel to the rebooted franchise):
May Heath Ledger rest in peace. And may this cast who is mercifully absent of Katie Holmes reach the peak of awesome thought to be possible from the likes of Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, and Gary Oldman, just to scratch the surface.
The X-Files (based off the TV show, one movie made):
The Truth Is.... a brainy, UFO obsessed, porn watching, banished to the basement of an FBI building geek cannot be that attractive. But for ten years on TV and two movies, he better damn well be. I can find unattractive ones on my own time.
Quantum of Solace (21 prior Bond films (possibly 22 or 23 depending on who you ask) which were based off the multiple novels):
I think the fact that they gave this a complicated title says something about the direction of the franchise. What is says, does not matter. Bond in a tux in inevitable. Now if we can get him shirtless and coming out of the ocean again...well, I guess shirtless is inevitable too. Just make sure he's not smitten again. Smitten Bond ruined everything.
Star Trek (reboot of the original TV series, which has seen too many media to keep count):
Believe it or not, I'm not a fan of the Trek. I swing in the Star Wars direction. I have the pillow cases to prove it. But there is something tempting about any Simon Pegg movie. I slump my shoulders when I say this, but I will see Mission Impossible III just to see his part. Hehehe, it's funny because it sounds like he has a nude scene. That awkward Simon Pegg crush is long gone. That is until the next time I watch Hot Fuzz.
Iron Man (based on comic book):
I will see this. Looks awesome. But it better be better than Ghost Rider. Not that I've seen Ghost Rider. Okay, it better be better than my preconceived notions of Ghost Rider. That shouldn’t be too hard.
Speed Racer (based on cartoon series):
The Wachowski brothers will attempt the Guinness Book of World Record for largest number of people with induced seizures at one time. And it's supposed to be a family movie. That's a far cry from Bound (the lesbians rob mobster movie) or V For Vendetta (vigilante tries to free people from 1984-esqe government oppression) or that other thing they made. The linear algebra trilogy one.
The Incredible Hulk (reboot of a movie based on a comic book that had a TV series):
Edward Norton: awesome. Having to reboot a movie that was only out a few years ago. Not an awesome start.
Journey to the Center of the Earth: 3D (remake of movie that was based off of book)
It’s a book, but all around you. Don’t know too much about it, but if it’s 3D, I’m already throwing up just thinking about it.
I did not see the first one which was one of many, many, many animated “animals talking and having adventures” movies. There will be more and there will be more sequels to them, so I give up trying to figure out the difference. Also, not a Pixar movie, so you’re out.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Emperor Dragon (second sequel to a remake):
Rachel Weisz is not reprising her role. Is she trying to avoid the post Oscar win curse? What does she know that we don't? Well, it has potential for a fun adventure to watch. What? No Oded Fehr? BOOOOOO!!!!!
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (based on the sixth book, previous five books also movies):
This book was a blur and I know how it all ends, so I’ll save my ten bucks and two and a half hours of my life. Also, it’s tough to watch actors younger than me who can buy and sell my ass.
The Day the Earth Stood Still (based on movie):
Keanu Reeves with a robot. I see he's taking the aggressive approach and making sure he appears to be the lively one. Good for him.
I’ll admit by the end of this list, I got lazy. I have so much more to make fun of, but I’m just tired. I end with a disclaimer: it’s easy to judge when all I have is a two minute trailer and some pre-release articles to work with. I reserve the right to change my opinion once I have the movie available to me. But one opinion remains the same. Seriously, threequel? Does it come up so often that we have to use this instead of third in series? So is it fourquel next? If we get to ninquel, Nyquil might have some copyright issues with it. Perhaps then the madness will stop.
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