Simon Phoenix Rising

I'm late to the party, but when I first thought of this, I was still late to the party. The internet is too fast to keep up with. We are slowly experiencing why the world became the 2032 of Demolition Man (1993).

Trailer doesn't do it justice.... see what I did there.

Here are the facts. 

1. I'm in California so I've been under rules to stay at home since mid March. Not even a week after that, I began getting emails ending with "Be Well". A small change, but my pop cultured infused brain began to connect the dots.

2. My husband pointed out (what he also saw from the internet) that this pandemic might result in no more handshakes. Or some replacement that does not involve touch.

Baby Benjamin Bratt and baby Rob Schneider!

3. Toilet Paper. Duh. I'm still not even clear how "the three seashells" works, but I've pivoted to cloth napkins and dish towels to eliminate paper product usage. 

4. Free food from Taco Bell is how they are going to win the franchise wars. 
 

Don't know what day it is? That's okay, just know TODAY you can get a FREE Doritos® Locos Tacos from our drive-thru.

— Taco Bell (@tacobell) April 7, 2020

I highly doubt a single restaurant would wipe out all other restaurants, but I also never thought I'd be ordered to stay in my home until a pandemic was under control. 

The easy joke to end this post to to cross my fingers for the invention of virtual sex. Given how much I'm missing hugs lately, I'll just leave that one alone. I swear to crap though, if they outlaw meat, I will riot.

Kneeling to the Tiger King

I realized a long time ago that social media is Keeping Up With the Joneses on steroids. With being forced to connect virtually, social media has exploded again and now I'm experiencing peer pressure on acid. (I didn't want to repeat the same expression, but I think you get my point).

I admit wholeheartedly that I can say no whenever I want. Instead, I will say that I chose to begin watching Tiger King. Going onto Facebook and not understanding memes was driving me nuts. Two of my favorite podcasts  adding bonus episodes to talk about the dang docu-series also made it worse.

Why can't I find a cute dog video anymore?

I just gave into watching the Fyre Netflix documentary this week. It came after some serious work stress and did nothing for my anxiety of being pressured by a narcissist to do as you're told. I actually didn't need to watch that either, but sheltering-in-place is brought down my pop culture walls. I'm saying yes to my husband's request to watch things more. Thank goodness he has good taste, just not his finger on the pulse of what's going to make me cry. (Which lately, it's best to stay away from schadenfreude and animal harm based entertainment. Actually, that's all the time.)

As of this posting we are one episode in and this whole thing is messed up. I want to jump to the spoilers. Is anyone dead? You can go to jail for attempted murder. Am I really taking PETA's side? Husband pointed out that I don't have to take sides. Strike two of him not knowing me at all.

I think the best part is that after seeing the idiotic antics so far, I was not quite phased. Husband asked if it was because I listen to Dumb People Town. YES! I agree with the premise that dumb is getting louder. Years of listening about dumb asses in dumb ass situations is not as shocking as it used to be. Murder, though is too much for me. DPT has a "no one gets killed, no women, children, or animals get hurt" filter. Looking back, I am grateful for that rule. 

Who knows where I'll end up emotionally after finishing the last episode? At the very least, I'll have context for all the memes (which is no guarantee that I'll understand them). Oh well. You win again, society.

I Know That Chin

I have the kind of brain that always want to find familiarity in my surroundings. At times it is against my will and my brain needs to shut up. Just right now, I saw a guy walk by and thought, "It's McLovin, but nerdier."

Yes, even nerdier than McLovin. I'd get into more detail but I think that speaks more poorly of my character than his appearance.

I made a stop at a grocery store to grab lunch during a road trip and had to halt my appetite to take a photo of the Brawny packaging.

Who are you?

My first thought was...Jon Hamm? But no. Jon Hamm is classically handsome, but not flannel handsome. Then I needed my husband to refresh my memory who I thought it was.... you know...from Magic Mike. He guessed Channing Tatum as he has never seen the movie.

I guess I should be proud of him for getting the lead right, but I was not pleased. Clearly this half face was NOT who I was thinking of. No, it's the other guy, from Magic Mike and the USA show.... and also American Horror Story.

Ding, ding, ding that got my answer. Matt Bomer. 

That's the chin you want on your marketing materials.

Now the rest of the body is too bulky, but I stand by my observation. Doesn't fully matter though. It'll take more than a sexy man chin to change my loyalty from Kirkland paper towels. I may consider it if you put on Captain America's Ass. Maybe.

Dog-Eat-White Elephant

Friday of last week, my company had its delayed holiday party. As a member of a department with a very busy end of the year, I appreciate the delay. Then again, January isn't a very sleepy month either, but it is a better option. During this very fun party time was set aside for the White Elephant Gift Exchange. 

What is it about this game that brings out the eye of the tiger? (No more animal expressions from this point forward.) I suppose I understand competitiveness, as I bring this out while shopping at Target. See this top? Got it for $.97 at Old Navy. 

I'm also a hoarder. I don't need more things. Still, I want to win the things. My first year was win-win as what I got (12 pack of La Croix) ended up with a coworker. At a friends party, I tried to win a pair of socks for my hostess. Didn't work. I got sock blocked by her husband.

There are many rule variations and ours happen to involve a steal max of 2 times. This being my third company rodeo, I have developed a new competition. I want my gift to be fought over. Yes...fight for my crap. 

This year I pivoted as I had no time to think about it. I helped plan the party and was focused on making sure our amateur photo booth didn't result in my tablet being accidentally knocked over or my embarrassing calendar reminders chiming in front of my coworkers. 

I have a wall of crap, surely there is a generic present gathering dust I can repurpose. There on my bookshelf was a copy of Represent: The Woman’s Guide to Running for Office and Changing the World. No, this is not crap, but husband and I both got signed copies included in our tickets to How Did This Get Made? People won't fight over this but I hope to at least get a big reaction.

I hesitate though. I want to read this. I could read his, but I don't want to be presumptuous. Maybe I should grab those fuzzy slipper socks from two Christmases ago. The hoarder in me was flaring up.

Husband to the rescue. He gave me his copy. I squeaked so hard when I asked "REALLY?" He said yes. I was set. I was proud of him. I was happy for me. 

In the end, the book got a big laugh when my very tall male CEO opened it up. It got stolen from ine of our VPs to spare him a lady centric book. There were many laughs when she opened up the section about what to do with your nude photos. She joked that she'd save it for when her daughter was older. 

Stolen once, but overall, I think I won....this game I made up. VICTORY!

Resolve to Intend

I enjoy people setting new year's intentions. It's to avoid the disappointment after a crash and burn of a resolution abandoned. That's a cynical view, but one that my almost forty year old ass has developed even if I've grown to be a more positive person. 

In fact, I'm already tangled into the typical traps of new years. "More exercise", "read more books", and "eat better" are already in my scope. The difference is my approach. For the first time ever, I'm connected to a friend on FitBit. I find myself taking the stairs more as this clip device will rat me out. However, that's just a bonus as I like another avenue of being connected to my friend.

"Read more" is just a byproduct of this Facebook book club I'm in. Sure, my goal is 2 books per month. That is about 100 books less than the average member by the time the year is over. I'm still happy because we're just bantering back and forth and recommending new titles. 

I'm not going to run a 10k. I'm not going to read Infinite Jest or War and Peace. I'm going to try and enjoy life, be healthy, and be with my people. I hope you do the same in this new year/decade. 

Okay, fine, I'm going to finally tackle that closet. You hear that cluster pile?!

David & Bustholomew

The post title is my proposed extra classy wing of Dave and Busters. For those of you unfamiliar with the chain, it's Chuck E. Cheese for adults. So an arcade with alcohol. But now Chuck E. Cheese has alcohol. And Dave and Busters allows kids. But the kids have to get the hell out after a certain hour. The point is it's damn loud and neon in there.

We recently went for the husband's birthday. Surrounded by in-laws, we entered the arcade. 

I grew up in the time of arcades that took quarters. Then tokens because they wanted all our money at once. You would win tickets to use as a shitty currency to buy crap. That crap was a badge of honor. Now we have these "power cards". You can still buy the crap. Similarly, by the time I was old enough to gamble, there was no pile of coins. You got a ticket. Don't think of this as money, just keep pressing buttons. I was making an arguement in my teens that it's the same damn thing, let me play slots!

I picked up a habit in my years of gambling of checking balances on machines. Turns out I can't turn it off in an arcade. Might just be generic hypervigilance. As I wandered through the games, I saw an abandoned card. Dude, it's probably empty, but you have to pay three bucks a pop for the card. Yes, you get it in "play" but still.

I go check the balance. 1400 credits. That's about $20. Gah! I can't have this. I go to a kiosk to see if these things are registered. Nope. But in my good faith, I leave at the kiosk to see if anyone comes to claim it. The card art was nothing like the ones we purchased so maybe it could be identified by a sad kid.

Next on my arcade day, a gentleman dominating a claw machine left his card as we stepped up to try our luck. We flagged him down and asked. He said it was his kid's card and empty, he was leaving it. Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Wandering about two machines away, we saw him about ten minutes later. He asked if we saw who took it as he mixed them up. His was still full. I hadn't checked the balance yet, but when I did, I would have started hunting CSI style to find him. He was grateful when we handed it back.

And finally, we go up to a Press Your Luck game. Who didn't want to play "Big Bucks, No Whammies"? One swipe was a toon of fun. Game over.... but it wasn't. We had earned a credit. Plus there were three total credits. I hit it again and we got to play. Sure enough, two credits left. Husband thought we had swiped too many times, but nope. People are leaving machines with credits in them. 

Now the tickets being won are flying into power cards unknown, but I'm screaming "No whammies STOP" on someone else's quarter. Abandoned prepaid fun. It was good times.

I share this cautionary tale to all of you getting drunk or distracted by your children in arcades. Vultures like me will swoop in and take your fake money. For those that don't care, thanks. I had a great time.

Puppy Prop

October! Which means it's time to beat myself up on how uncrafty I am. Or to feel bad about how I'm not as immensly  talented in costume design as my friends on social media (that speak up). 

I knew there weren't going to be any costume parties on my schedule (That's a lie. There's a work one I help plan.) and I let the days fly by. So here it is the 28th and I have no good ideas for my dog. 

I went to Google to rescue me. "Dog costumes" comes up with all the store bought stuff that is sold out. I'm not taking the bait on "guaranteed arrival by 10/30 for the equivalent price of a year at college". Plus, I'm still not a fan of the store bought. Unless some sort of pun or elaborate couple/group thing is involved. New strategy.

"DYI dog costumes." What the hell, internet? I'm not talented enough to make my dog into a Chia Pet. What makes you think I have a box of aquarium plastic plants lying around for just such an occasion? Or that my dog will put up with that? I'm not buying all that. Too much work. And the DYI spider costume. I can't sew....nor do I have items to sew together....oh, it's Martha Stewart's idea....I'm out!

Further in the search "Dog DYI costumes for procrastinators". I get it! I have failed as a.... dog mom that wants to post adorable photos of her costumed dog on Halloween....I guess. That was kind of a bust too. Apparently procrastinators also are also crafty as hell.

If only the dog skeleton costume was in stock at Target. We were going to dress him up like Johnny from The Karate Kid. I was going to be the Body Bag. 

I suppose we can sacrifice a few rolls of toilet paper and make him a mummy. How long before that costume unravels. The idea and the "bandages". 

I bet it's in my best interest to let it go and focus on next year. But then there's dog presents to consume my Christmas. And St. Patrick's Dog's Day where he gets nibbles of corned beef. And Easter where he gets bunny ears and eats grass. And Hide in the Closet During Big Boom Day. Oh, and John Wick's birthday....Fine, he'll be a mummy.