Swans and Dancers and Lesbians, oh my!

It is very rare that I save a movie and don't blow the whole story by reading the whole thing on the internet. I decided that Black Swan, a psychological thriller with a geeod pedigree of people attached was worth seeing on my own. I knew enough to tell my very Catholic mother to not see it, but I went in as clean as one can just seeing the trailers and knowing it won awards.

So in putting in this effort, here is my offical anylsis: Why does Natalie Portman win an Oscar and Elizabeth Berkeley gets to start her career from scratch? Is it because it's artistic and plays with your mind? Or is it ballet is much classier? Let me point this much out. The mind games that the hallucinations create in Black Swan are about on par with the mind games the terrible acting and story does in Showgirls. Lesbian sex and a not so great payoff make these movies about even on my mind. Okay to be fair, I have not seen Showgirls in its entirety because I thought that perhaps that wasn't worth my time. However, I got fooled by Black Swan's accolades. Shame on you movie critics. I trusted you and you betrayed me. And if I wanted to watch a creepy masturbation scene, I have Mullholand Drive, thank you very much.

One of these movie is not like the other. But pretty close.  

(And just a note to the LGBT community, I know there are no lesbians in this movie so much as sexually confused ladies that just go for whatever is striking their fancy, but much like these movies, I'm using "lesbian" as a buzzword to get the male attention. Did it work?)

Trying to Winning

A few days ago I was reading the headlines of the reviews of Charlie Sheen's one man show and was not even a little bit shocked that they were very bad. I'm slowly moving away from my caring about this whole thing, but I'm trying to imagine the type of people who would buy tickets to this show. I'm guessing the archetype of frat boy (and I say archetype because I've lived with and am related to some wonderful frat boys who know better than to waste their money on this crap). Does anyone think beyond trashing others and saying his catchphrase of sorts that this would be any good?

Many people can individually craft all aspects of a good piece of entertainment, but I get the feeling Charlie Sheen didn't anticipate that it takes some serious thought and creativity to punch out a quality show. Or at least some work. The fact that he says he need to retool shows me he does have some sanity left, because if he was running on pure egotism, he would just say "screw the haters, I'm awesome". Instead he's at least saying, if I'm going to avoid being a flash in the pan, I need to get better. I know fifteen minutes of fame lasts a lot longer than it used to, but I think he knows that Goddesses don't come free. (Personally, I think he's not a fifteen minutes of fame type. Tiger's blood has fifteen minutes. Charlie Sheen needs to have a Robert Downey, Jr. brand of reinvention. Someone get him to a Burger King.)

Good luck to you. I'm glad you're out of the well paying TV crap hole of Two and a Half Men, but don't milk Major League. Find yourself a new area to be funny. We know you're capable. Just do it.

Media Heartburn

Okay, I got married. That resulted in one week away from work. One week of podcasts that accumulated. That shouldn't be so bad. Just off the top of my head, a week of Adam Carolla, maybe two of Fitzdog and Nerdist, a This American Life, Doug Loves Movies, Parent Xperiment, Savage Love, and The Film Vault. So two months later, I'm looking at almost fifty things to listen to. And this stuff is averaging over an hour a piece. How can I complain about so much free content? To be honest, it isn't exactly complaining, but now it's like TV and movies and books and magazines. A stack is waiting for me and I must consume it all.

There is so much at my disposal and so much is quality entertainment. I need to jump on it because it's time sensitive, but of course now I'm using this opportunity to start a book club. Calm down, it's just a basic way of telling my self, you will start reading. But should I have this problem of what should be fun is now a task in order to better myself? You will relax and enjoy yourself, damn it!

So what is the proper way to consume entertainment? This junkie has been on a diet for so long since I cut out cable, but I'm still caught up on my favorite TV shows. Granted, I hear about so many cable shows that I'm missing, I just have to tune it out. I'm loving the summer since it's a chance to get some movies I missed in the theater (Actually, it's all about the pause button. That keeps me out of the theater). Magazine subscriptions have expired (except Entertainment Weekly, of course) so no accumulation here. I keep telling myself if I just had the time, I could so a great sweep and get everything done in a weekend. Sadly, I say that about cleaning the house and you don't want to see the dog hair that's stuck to the couch. 

I'll figure it out. I'll find a balance of enjoying my stuff and spring cleaning. While I just have a tiny 4G Nano, I suppose I can go against my better judgment, fill it with podcasts and listen while I clean the upstairs. I know, using my iPod to listen to podcasts? (I fill mine with music and listen to podcasts on my work computer.) I think I can make this crazy idea work. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to listen to This Week with Larry Miller. Or in my case, Two Months Ago With Larry Miller.

Poor James Marsden

No not the guy who played the best friend on half of the TGIF line up. And don't mix him up for the guy that looks like that guy that was in Serial Mom. And don't mix the second guy up with this other guy from Fanboys.

Okay, for those keeping score, I don't pity Jason Marsden whom I had a crush on when he played Rich on Step by Step or a character with the name "Jason Marsden" on Boy Meets World. And he is not to be confused with Justin Whalin. I just found out these two both played the same character in General Hospital, so it's not just me. On IMDB, they both have on their respective pages "Known for..." and there is a picture of just James Franco. (Makes sense considering he no longer sleeps and is involved with every other thing in Hollywood.) And to clear up everything else, Justin Whalin played Jimmy Olsen in Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman on TV as opposed to Sam Huntington (from Fanboys) who played the same character in Superman Returns with the object of my pity...James Marsden.

Extra points if you can identify each one. (Hint: Not one is Will Wheaton.)

In fact, Superman Returns is an example of my point, but I should back up a few steps. I get random cravings for a mushy, predictable romantic movie. I watched Enchanted and 27 Dresses back to back to eliminate it last time. I didn't plan it that way but it was a James Marsden-a-thon. With Valentine's Day coming up, I'm considering watching The Notebook. Unlike every other woman from ages seventeen to sixty-three who saw this on a loop when it came out six years ago, I decided this was a good movie to put in the vault for an occasion that I think my boyfriend* deserved to be jumped on immediately following the credits. (* Note: When the decision was made, he was my boyfriend. He has since been promoted to husband.)

Since I have zero patience, I still went online to see what the big deal was. Once again, James Marsden doesn't have a chance. I'm not entirely sure, because I don't know his character, but I'm sensing a theme. He's the nice guy that doesn't get the girl. Apparently he can't compete with Ryan Gosling. Or Patrick Dempsy. Or Hugh Jackman. Not even Brandon Routh.

Yes, this is an oversimplification based on a few movies, but it made me sad for the guy. You have to watch Gossip to get that sad taste out of your mouth. Or, for the nicer people, watch (Spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't watched the trailer!) 27 Dresses. He apparently can kick Ed Burns's ass romantically.

We shouldn't worry for him though. He's my generation's Bill Pullman and he landed on his feet, right? What? Ohhhh...... Okay. I'm going to go watch Independence Day. He gets the girl then, right? Wait, never mind. Spaceballs it is.

Umm... Awesome

Death Star Laser Operator for me. Makes sense, but d'oh.


Via: Online Schools

Generational Ewww

A little while ago I was having dinner at my parent's house. My siblings and nieces joined us for a nice dinner and conversation. I don't remember how it the topic came up but all of a sudden, my sister and fourteen year old niece were talking about Jared Leto. My niece loves him from 30 Seconds to Mars and has a teen girl crush on him. Well, my sister also had a crush on him back when he was know as Jordan Catalano fifteen years ago. Is that a gross moment? I've known generations of women to have crushes on the same actor at the same time, but this one is a little weird and creepy. Besides, look at the transition the man has made. My sister had the crush on the Tiger Beat version and my niece has crush on the goth version.

Classic bad boy?

Or Goth bad boy?

 

 

 

Also, my sister at roughly sixteen with a crush on a twenty-four year old playing a seventeen year old is passable. My niece crushing on the almost forty year old officially puts this in eww category. I remember my sister also having a crush on Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt back then as well, but I think that became mandatory in the mid 1990's.

But whatever Leto you choose, it's not the best guy to bring home to dad. And he's unattainable to I'm so glad I never have to experience that uncomfortable family dinner.

What Christmas Means to Me

I few years ago I loved that song because somehow it was not played every fifth minute during the season. I'm trying so hard to preserve it because every other song bugs me for individual reasons but also because you cannot escape them.

Last year I was in a jolly mood from beginning to end of the season. I realized it was because I did most of my shopping online. That means the long lines and fixating on an appropriate present for my sister-in-law was not saturated by another round of Frosty the Snowman. Instead, the rush of last minute shopping was softened by Baby, It's Cold Outside and I was able to escape before Do They Know It's Christmas made me want to go kill myself (for more than one reason).

How dare you make this sweater purchase seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things?

I was not so smart this time around and did a eight hour shopping spree with my brother. I have this thought every year and for some reason it still sneaks up on me. The reason these songs make me want to stab my fellow man is because it's the same six songs over and over again. Just because this version is from Eartha Kitt and this version is from Madonna and the next version is being quickly recorded by some Disney tween bitch so we can hear it before we leave, it's the same damn song. Different inflection doesn't change it that much. Any parent getting nagged to get off the phone by a three year old doesn't care that the kid changes the way they say "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom." (Feel free to mentally high five me right now in understanding.)

So what's the solution? Mariah Carey came up with something over fifteen years ago and now people must take that whole concept and run with it. Creativity, imagination, SOMETHING NEW!

I'm going to leave you with a story to put things in perspective for your holiday. In Old Navy I was making a purchase when a teenage girl came up to me and asked if I was purchasing at least fifty dollars worth of stuff. I thought that shouldn't she be on the other side of the counter if she was going to offer me an Old Navy credit card or something? When I answered yes, she handed me a coupon for ten dollars off a fifty dollar purchase. I was touched. To me, that's a Christmas miracle.

Okay, not really. But that's taking the economic crunch of the time and sharing with others that which can help others save. In the most basic form, it's sharing with a stranger and I was touched. It could have happened to someone else, but it happened to me and I couldn't stop smiling at the kindness of that young lady. I said "Merry Christmas". Yeah I probably made it super corny for her, but if she thought I was a dork, she didn't say it. I thanked the adult she was with as well.

After the savings kicked in, there was a fifteen off a seventy five dollar purchase coupon returned to me. I saw a guy with a ton of stuff in his bag to I sent it over to him. Was I trying to ride the girl's generosity? Perhaps. But for the most part, it was little effort to pay it forward and I hope that guy enjoys the extra fifteen in his pocket. (Smash cut to that guy buying weed with it.) God bless is every one!