It's a Gift...and a Curse

It's a wonderful time when I no longer have to give a crap about keeping my shows in my schedule. I make it a point not to give into summer shows. Though The Starter Wife and Burn Notice look good, but I will not get sucked in. Now is a time for me to catch up on my back log of TV sets I have on DVD.

It seems like an easy task to just sit on my ass, but at the risk of being ridiculed by my workaholic father, it's hard work watching TV. There more going on than meets the eye.

For starters, this is one full season at a time. This isn't a mini Law & Order marathon on TNT. Five episodes is easy. Twenty two, give or take requires some practice. Yes, there are no commercials so five hours will yield me about seven episodes, but no commercials means no natural break to run for the bathroom or grab a bite to eat. If I don't move around or eat, what was once an enjoyable DVD bender is now a situation that will cause me to resent a new set to be watched.

Last Christmas, I had a plethora of gift cards that resulted in one day's purchase of four seasons of South Park and three seasons of Will & Grace. I was smart this time to alternate seasons so I wouldn't get burned out on the same characters. Here was the interesting thing. I started to emulate characters a little bit. I wasn't surprised because when I watched the first season of The Closer, I found I had adapted Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson's charming "thaaaaaaaank yew." It was so subtle, but there I was saying it to the people at work. I guess it wasn't a bad thing, but the trouble came when I drenched myself with these two other shows. Let's face it. Cartman is freaking funny. Karen Walker is hilarious. But it is always at the expense of others. I had found that I was in extra mean mode. It was just instinct to rattle of insults left and right. Without even noticing I was throwing a Cartman-esqe tantrum and saying "buuuut Maaaaaaaa!" to my own mother. Even the classic "My God, I hate you" was flying out of my mouth. How quickly I have been transformed. It was a little scary.

Those who have watched at least ten episodes of the same show in a row will feel me on this one. Jokes become repetitive. Ideas get recycled. The next line becomes predictable. I didn't like that I could watch an episode of Will & Grace that I had never seen before and could finish the punchline. Is that a result of thinking like a writer? Or are the jokes and insults just too easy? In either case, it is not enjoyable watching. Switch to procedurals. I love my dramas. I live for The Closer and House. But these two have an annoying thing in common. Too many times you'll have the lead character staring off into space about eight minutes before the episode is over. At this time some side character is yammering about something half related to the current mystery to be solved. But for some reason, a random word is the key to the whole thing. Yes, trash compactor.. for convenience.....like a convenience store.....where you ask for directions if you get lost....which he wouldn't have done if he had killed her....it was the mother! For fans of House it goes more like this: laundry.....he might have needed quarters from the bank.....piggy bank....pig is not kosher.....so he had the chicken....which has us thinking salmonella...... but it's disguising the other symptoms of lupus...but it's never lupus...so it must be meningitis. Sadly, I'm not far off. Get season two of House and you'll see it.

Here's the toughest part of all. It's four in the morning and you have only one disk left. Sure you've spent hours watching and you're exhausted, but a few more episode and then you're done. Where does it stop being entertainment and start being a chore? I don't go to the movies as much anymore because I don't like the two hour commitment, but I give into the "just one more disk."

Maybe I should stop. I should just give up and start reading again. Then again Firefly is calling my name. But I should do season three of Arrested Development as a warm up. Damn you convenient high quality television!

My List of Five (Lesbian Edition)

To be fair to all those involved, I think that an expression of "Hot!"(To be read with an extended "ah" sound i.e. haaaaaaaaahhhhhhhht!. If I had extended the "o's" it would just look like hoot. I'm not an owl. Hoot just misses the point entirely.) should not be limited to one gender. Don't get me wrong. Me likey the men. But I'm a girl, so I can harp about other women's hotness and not appear to likey the women. Though men could use all said in their own personal movies in their head, but that's just a unfortunate side effect of my celebration of the female form.

Every year Maxim puts out its 100 hottest women. It's now a tradition to sit with my boyfriend and dispute the magazine's claims. While I cannot deny the beauty(Wait, sometimes I can. Eat a freaking donut once in a while you size double zero freaks!) of these women, I stand firm (hehehe penis joke) on my position (hehehe, sex joke) that hotness is more than pretty faces and boobs (heheheheh, boobs). Though I must say that I whole heartily agree with some of their choices. Ali Larter and Isla Fisher? Good calls. Women with a little more to offer. In fact one of my five is in the hundred. But I'm so tired of Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, and Jessica Biel. Oh, and Linsday Lohan. She's not a Jessica but I'm sick of her too.

Yes, yes, I'm sure if I had a penis I would be singing a different tune. And just to be fair, I will eventually put up a list created by one on the male side. But for now, suck it. This is my list.

1) Mariska Hargitay
2) Kate Winslet
3) Kate Walsh
4) Alyson Hannigan
5) Jenna Fischer

The Evolution of a Quote

"It was symbolism. I'm yelling because I'm angry."

I don't expect you to know what I'm talking about here because it's a misquote. The original context takes us to Simpsons episode "Beyond Blunderdome" with Mel Gibson (before the crazy). After Homer and Mel redo Mr. Smith Goes to Washington and after the bloody battle scene the question from one of the viewers "why did Mr. Smith kill everybody*?" comes up. Homer, in his wisdom, responds with"It was symbolism. He was mad." That's good stuff. But it takes two people to quote.

Years ago when times were simpler, when cell phones didn't double as a camera, mp3 player, GPS device, blood pressure monitor and home pregnancy test, I would sit in my senior English class with my male counterpart and quote not just The Simpsons, but various obscure TV shows like The Kids in the Hall. Sadly so many shows and so many friends have come and gone I cannot remember all our special quotes. I have no doubt that if he were still here instead of on the other side of the country, we would have had so much fun with Arrested Development, The Office, and How I Met Your Mother. But this one particular quote stays near and dear to my heart. Why? Because it's a misquote that does not piss me off.

I have to admit that I am a purist. I put a little * up there on "everybody" to point out that I had to look this up to make sure if it was "everybody" or "everyone". I'm also a corrector. Or at least I was in my earlier days. Today, I let stuff go. That is unless I'm in the presence of another corrector. (I happen to spend time with one regularly. He keeps me on my toes. At times I return home wanting to crack open my old Futurama sets to brush up on my Bender and Zoidberg one liners.)

Some quotes have to remain pure to me, though. Example: The Usual Suspects line up scene has to be said word for word "Hand me the keys you fucking cocksucker." And just to be absolute, if you do Benicio Del Toro's part it's "hand me the keys you cocksucker, what the fuck?" But you must make sure you are indecipherable and irritated as you annunciate.

So many quotes have found their way into my everyday that I'm not even sure if what I say are my own thoughts anymore. In fact it has reached the point were if anything remotely witty or funny comes out of my mouth, my boyfriend ask me "what's that from?" What's even sadder that I have to think for a minute before I can illegitimately hit him and say "I came up with that!"

But being a pop culture child, I can bond with people over one-liners and obscure references. It may not seem like much to you, but I like that I can always make my dad laugh by saying "Oh, save me Jebus!" You try and tell me that's not funny.

This post is going to be...wait for it....

wait for it....LEGENDARY! What up? Blog five!

Though I have to admit that I'm a late bloomer, I adore How I Met Your Mother. This is how I want to be when I am in my late-twenties. (And I realize only one of the actors is actually in his late twenties. The rest are either mid twenties or mid thirties. I think this is why it's so awesome. Technically they should be playing high school seniors. That is with the exception of the twenty something. She should be in middle school.) I like that there is no such thing as too much use of the word awesome. I love elaborate high fives. I love use of the word legendary. Most importantly, I care about these characters. I root for the waaaayyyy too comfortable couple. The nice guy should get the girl. And the womanizing ass, well, I'm an American, so we embrace these men lovingly. But he's quick and funny so rock on!

I must take this time now to explain my theory as to why Barney is so awesome. It can't be just the suits. Though it does account for a lot, don't get me wrong. No, Barney has a certain charm about him that I have deciphered. He is a combination of two tried and tested characters. Beloved sarcastic Chandler Bing and and The Todd (Does this character have a real name? According to imdb he's Todd Quinlan. But he's The Todd!) Think about it. Barney: sarcastic, witty, works at a well paying job, but sidesteps the question of what the hell do you do? Could he be any more Chandler? He doesn't do that so that's a good thing. Barney: All about the ladies, looks and is creative with high fives. The Todd takes a slap to the face as a face five! The defense rests your honor!



Miss Chanalder Bong + "Tis better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all" Five
=











Awesomeness in concentrated form

Oh, wait I forgot. The combo-character argument is part one of Barney's awesomeness. Part two is NPH himself. That's right. NPH is awesome in ways I cannot really explain. He brings to Barney what no writer can concoct after being threatened with unemployment or a bottle of tequila. Bless you Neil Patrick Harris for not giving up after so many canceled TV shows and strange movie roles. Thank you for you part in the awesomeness that was Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. I salute you NPH. My hand goes up to you! Salute five!

And now for my final thought. An honorable mention has to go to Bob Saget. It takes guts to pull yourself up from your sorted Full House past. I didn't believe that you directed Dirty Work. I was confused, but then delighted with your cameo on Entourage. The show that proves self-parody is the way to people's hearts (you ROCK Ralph Macchio!) Then on Law and Order SVU, we all knew the second you were on screen you did it. But then a beautiful thing happened. Danny Tanner died. And we were able to embrace the voice of older Ted Mosbey. You know what we all want to know. Tell your story! I will be listening without the fear of an Olsen twin showing up at any second.

A Salute to Worthy Adversaries

There was a time when two characters destined for each other were kept apart in ways that would frustrate and infuriate us. And we continued to lap it up week after week because that was our quality entertainment. I think we all have experienced it with Friends. I know of masses that had some not nice things to say about Julie. She was the first one. There were more, but after ten years, I can't name them all. And it didn't matter how nice or wonderful they were. We hated them. Because they were the reason the tango of "will they or won't they?" was prolonged.

But now we have entered a new age where we watch the two characters we love and want to see together delayed by someone we don't want shoved in a meat grinder. And two very special women have found their way into my heart. They deserve special recognition.

Now you may remember how bitchy she was in the beginning, but if I were Addison Shepherd and I had to track my husband to the other side of the country and walked up to him and his new sex toy, I'd be a little bitchy too. Then we found out she cheated on him. So she MUST be a horrible person. How dare she keep our love birds apart?

But wait, he was cold and distant and took her for granted. Okay. She uprooted her life in New York and tried to put her marriage back together. And she's not just arm candy, but a brilliant surgeon. She's flawed, but a fantastic, well rounded and great character. Not a throw away bitch, but someone I want to see get what she wants. And I was so happy when that stopped being Derek. She didn't deserve to be tossed to the side. But now our love birds are together. And surprisingly, I don't care. I want to see Addison happy.

Who wants the whinny intern when you can have the hot attending?

And she's just full of more surprises. She aborted Mark's baby? She’s hitting on Alex? She is totally awesome. Who gives a damn about that McCouple? In fact, screw that McCrap. Bring on the hot red head.

So I guess this is just a fluke. How else can I like the skank keeping my "not quite together yet" couple apart? Or right. Another exists. She is a Stamford beauty. Or I guess she's been relocated to Scranton.

Yes, she may be keeping Jim and Pam apart. But do we really want Jim and Pam TOGETHER? They are so great in general, but with them together, would it work or would it be strange? Ross and Rachel together was kind of strange. Monica and Chandler felt normal. Dwight and Angela is strange, and yet normal. That relationship is weirdly right. But Jim and Pam? I think they were meant to be unrequited. It feels right that way.

Witty, sweet, and plays Call of Duty. How can you resist?

And Karen is helping make things remain right. And I give her credit for admitting out loud and to the camera that she liked Jim. Even though we still feel we should root for Jim and Pam, Karen is a good one for him. He should be happy. She should be happy. I wish Pam would be happy too. It hurt to watch her cry. You know what? I think Toby should be happy too! I love Toby and all the abuse he takes. But I digress.

Unfortunately I do not think that things will end well for Karen. There was a reason I got serious chills when I watched Jim kiss Pam. And just last episode he admitted that he still had feelings for her. Poor Karen. She may not find a permanent spot like our Addison Montgomery (she sounds cooler with her maiden name), but I hope for the best. I like her. Maybe she should form an alliance.

Eat It Nicole Ritchie!

It's funny because the title suggests that she needs to get out of the tabloids and have a burger very once in a while. But no, this is not a commentary on her eating disorder (that she denies or may have recently denied denying, but who cares?)

Rather I make reference to my personal adventure on the freeway being stuck for a half hour while the freeway was closed ahead and I had missed the last exit. A fatal accident had me stranded with only rollover minutes to tide me over. Finally after organizing, the highway patrol began to filter us off the freeway by having us make U-turns and directing us back to the last exit. Okay, we weren't direct as much as saw the first car do it with the cop car and then we tried it behind them.

It was awesome, going east on the west bound freeway. I got to do it not under the influence of anything AND I didn't get arrested. See, I may not have her millions of dollars, but I get to have little celebrity-like adventures too. And besides, I would trade the millions of dollars to not be associated with Paris Hilton any day of the week.

The Poor Man's TiVo

Damn you November sweeps! That's right. I went there. I have to say that I had a much easier time when the World Series was going on. That narrowed my religious TV watching down to only three shows: The Office, Grey's Anatomy, and Desperate Housewives. (And that is the order in which I care.) When Fox had this year's games on, I didn't have to worry because House was on reruns. Yeaaa! Don't have to think. That's a big thing with me. But last night I had the unfortunate situation of having Super-Sized Office conflicting with my Grey's. What's a girl to do?

Well, the entertainment powers that be have granted me a solution. ABC offers me the newest episodes on their website for free. This is awesome for when I miss the show, but it sucks for when I want to buy the DVDs when they come out. I will have seen every episode and will have to struggle with my wasting money verses completing my set hankerings. So with this offering, I know to ditch ABC shows in favor of the other networks and then catch up later. The occasional stops and low bandwidth (which I so do not have!) messages are a distraction but I get the episode and I'm good. (Though I can't stand that it doesn't include the scenes from the next episode. It sucks.)

But now that House is back on I have to remember more shows on more nights. What am I supposed to do if I can make it to my picture box and drool at, I mean gaze lovingly at, I mean stare at, I mean watch my favorite pill popping, insult cracking doctor? Well, I have not been blessed with TiVo or any of those fancy schmancy digital recording dealies. Instead I call up my substitute for Hugh Laurie and asking him nicely if he can set his VCR for me.

Not everyone can afford to have one of these damn things, you know! I'm still saving for a pony.
(The photograph is by Redjar and is available under a Creative Commons License.)

Yes, VCRs are still out there and deserve so much more respect than 8-Tracks, Laser Discs, and Beta. I grew up VCRs and taped hours of my favorite shows and have drawers of tapes that I will never watch again, but keep because I may be able to find a VCR with superior auto tracking that will make these tapes watchable again. Or I'll trash them when all of these shows are on DVD. I even used to want to keep recordings of random commercials that I love and SNL skits, but with the invention of YouTube I think I let these things go. If I ever want to watch Janet Reno's Dance Party, that Jungleheiemer Junction skit or those Volkswagen commercials that I thought were awesome, the internet provides me with all my heart's desire (and it has porn too!).

So that's the best I can do until I can afford TiVo. It seems as though if I tried hard enough, I could catch my shows and not need to subscribe to the digital recording world. But I want to hit that point to where I'm making enough money that I can pause live TV. Ahh the power! Until then I'll just have to rely on the VCR timers of others. (Oh and just in case you were wondering, the rich man's TiVo is just having TiVo, but it's programmed by Reginald, your butler.)